Friday, February 20, 2009

Do's and Don'ts When Hosting an Au Pair

You spent a lot of money and time interviewing and matching with the "perfect" au pair for your family. She is arriving in a few weeks and you think you are now "off the hook" and can relax! Not so fast! Before you retire your vigilance, read the following list of Do's and Don'ts when hiring an au pair and take that extra time to make sure your au pair is off to a good start. Even if you consider yourself a seasoned host parent, you may find a thing or two of value in our list that you may not have considered before!

DO make her feel welcome when she arrives. She will be nervous and will naturally looking for signs that she is indeed special. Make certain her room is warm and inviting, with a fresh coat of paint and her bed has been made with new and "youth oriented" sheets and quilt. Let your children know she is to be treated with kindness and respect right from the start. At home, have a special dinner waiting for her and the family. Place a Welcome Basket (see FAQs #10) in her room and let her go to bed early and let her sleep in the first day. Do make certain you have arranged for the day off so you can take her around town and show her where the post office is, the childrens' school, the park and the shopping center. Spending quality time with your au pair after she arrives is the best compliment you can give her.

DO set limits and rules from the start and in writing. Make up a notebook for her that includes all the necessary information she will need to do her job. Numbers of doctors, your office and cell phone numbers, emergency contacts, relatives and neighbors' numbers, school number and the list of all the other au pairs in the area, including the counselor's business card. List all of her duties and responsibilities and how and when you want them done. Show her how you want the children's rooms kept and how often you want her to wash their clothes and linens. Tell her how you would prefer her room to be kept, but don't push it - it is her private space and other than not allowing food in the room, let her keep it as she wants. This notebook will become her "au pair bible" and will be especially critical for her success in the beginning of her year. Include your curfew during the week - many parents do not want to do this, but it is important that she understand you need her to be fresh and rested each work day. Include rules about visitors coming into the house (no males allowed) and rules about eating in the living room, etc. and rules regarding the use of the car.

DO explain how to use the appliances and computers in your home. Don't assume she will know how to run American dishwashers, washing machines, etc. Placing typed directions near them or in her book is highly advisable. Tell her not to use bleach in the wash! Your au pair may confuse bleach with laundry detergent and ruin your childrens' clothes. She will feel terrible and so will you! Make sure you show her how to set the air conditioning in the summer and where you want to keep the heat set at in the winter. Many au pairs will turn these up during the day and you may wonder why your heating and electricty bills have suddenly spiked since her arrival!

DO make sure you assist her in selecting college courses. You are responsible for paying for course work (up to $500 a year) and you need to take charge and guide her through the available options. If you are not sure, call your counselor and get the information on the local universities and colleges that your program accepts credit from. Au pair agencies require registration at accredited schools, so make the college you and the au pair choose is on the list your counselor provides, otherwise you may end up wasting your money, the au pair will not receive any "credit" and she will have to start another course all over again.

DO set rules and guidelines for the computer, house phone and the cell phone. We recommend a cell phone for the au pair since you will be able to reach her and the children, otherwise you will have to wait to call her when she is at home. Adding another cell phone to your existing account is often very inexpensive and worth every penny! Let her know what your server's prices are for long distance calls and make sure you put a limit on her minutes. Explain that if she goes over the "limit" she will have to pay for the extra charges. Also, let her know she should be on the phone or using the computer during the time she is caring for your children. If she does not have her own laptop or you didn't provide a computer just for her, and she is allowed to use the family computer, make certain you tell her the rules. Tell her to use good judgment when visiting sites since your children can access these sites. Also, have a conversation with her about blogging on the internet. You don't want her using your familys' name and address on the internet and you don't want to see any negative or embarrassing stories about you and your family on any blog. Blogging is very popular among young people today, and au pairs are no exception.

DO explain your family's rules about TV viewing. If you do not allow your children to view TV during the day, make sure she understands this and also make certain she is not inviting the kids to watch R or PG rated movies with her - this happens more often than you may think. Providing a TV with cable in her bedroom will allow you and your au pair alone time and privacy. Do explain what TV programs and child videos are allowed in your home.

DO set a specific time aside each week to pay her and to review her childcare responsibilities. Try and compliment her even if she had a rough week. After the compliment, let her know what you are not happy with and make helpful suggestions. Ask her if she wants to discuss anything she may be unhappy or unsure about. Always support her when she is right and your children are in the wrong - it is important for your au pair to know she has an advocate in your home. One of the top reasons good au pairs leave a family is unruly and misbehaved children and parents who allow these children to run roughshod over the au pair. If you don't support your au pair's attempt to get your kids in line, she will find another family who will!

DO help your au pair plan activities for the children. You know what they like best and what is available in your town. Provide art supplies and appropriate games to play when they are housebound due to snow or rain. Plan and set up projects for family birthdays and holidays (making cards, cut-out turkeys for Thanksgiving, decorating for Halloween, etc.). Keeping her and the children occupied is a smart, proactive way to prevent boredom that often leads to bad behavior. Busy children and busy au pairs don't have time to get into trouble.

DON'T "sweat the small stuff" and give your au pair credit that she will learn from her mistakes. She came halfway around the world for you, so give her the opportunity to settle in and get it right. Encourage her when ever you can. Reward her when she does a great job (2 Broadway tickets will be received with great pride and delight) and she will keep trying to please you!

DON'T tell her that you think her personal hygiene needs improvement! If she is not bathing every day or washing her clothes once a week and your children are reluctant to cuddle with her because she "smells funny" call your counselor. Let her have a talk with your au pair and she will most likely explain American's obsession with cleanliness. Your au pair may not wash her jeans every week, because in her country, hot water is expensive. In addition, she may only have one pair of jeans and she and doesn't want to wear them out by washing them too much! Europeans often do not bath or shower everyday, but she must understand she is in America now and she has to fit in with our customs and ways of doing things. The counselor should have this discussion rather than you since she may be mortified to know that her family thinks she "smells bad." The counselor can approach this problem by explaining she always has this talk with new au pairs and that way she can "save face" and get on with becoming "Americanized" by showering everyday and washing her clothes weekly.

DON'T assume she can drive well even though she told you she can during the phone interview and the application states she has been driving "well" for years. Hire a local driving agency to take her out and test her driving skills. They will not only rate her present driving but can assist her in getting your state's driving license. If the car agency tells you she is not a good driver (and should not be driving your children) call your agency at once. If you are planning to keep the au pair, tell the agency they need to pay for driving lessons. Demand they do this since they advertised her as a driver and you have an official car agency telling you she is not - that is a breach of contract and they should either replace her with a competent driver or pay for driving lessons! Agencies know this, but will balk at first. Don't give in until they either replace the au pair or reimburse you for the lessons.

DON'T assume your au pair understands American customs regarding childcare! Europeans often have a more relaxed and laid back attitude about minding the children. It is not uncommon to see a dozen or more children in strollers left unattended outside a store or cafe while the moms or au pairs are inside having coffee. Let your au pair know she should NEVER leave any child unattended for any length of time, no matter what. A few years ago, an au pair was arrested and sent home for going into a store while the children were left in the car. A mother had walked by the parked car and saw the children inside (it was summer and it was hot). She called the police and when they arrived, the au pair explained she had only gone in for a minute and could see the car from the store. Her explanation didn't cut it and she was arrested for endangering the welfare of a child.

Au Pair Saves 5-Year-Old from Choking

Today, February 20, 2009, Au Pair USA (au pair agency) sent out a press release about one of their au pairs from Ecuador, Nena Mayorga, who saved her host family's 5-year-old daughter from choking!

Nena is now a finalist for the International Au Pair Association (IAPA) "Au Pair of the Year Award" to be presented in Vienna, Austria this March.

The au pair is with the Thompson family of Irvington, NY, where she takes care of Ryan, 5, and Jessica, 4. The family was so grateful to Nena, that they nominated her for this prestigous award. I am sure the family is so proud and very grateful!

The host mom, Janine, was at the dinner table when the girl, Jessica, started to choke.
The host mom tried to dislodge the food from her daughter's throat by using the Heimlich Maneuver, but she couldn't remember the method. Nena acted swiftly and grabbed the child from her mother and perfomed the method as she was taught at Au Pair USA's orientation program. The food was dislodged and the child began to breath again.

Great job Nena!

We may question how much or how well au pairs actually learn or retain in the au pair agencys' orientation sessions, which take place once the girls arrive in the United States. Suffering from jet lag, cultural shock and problems with English comprehension, many au pairs have stated they do not remember much of the training. The orientation sessions are crammed into 3-4 days, and does include basic CPR and basic training in the use of the Heimlich Manuever.

Well, obviously, some of these au pairs do remember and we hope Nena wins the award - what more can an au pair do to deserve the "Au Pair of the Year Award" than saving a child's life!

Wonderful story! You can see the full press release and details under Current News at http://www.aupairclearinghouse.com/ - the national's only clearinghouse on information on the au pair industry.

You heard it first, here, at Aupairclearinghouse!


Not sure how to perform the method? Check it out and review it with your au pair: http://www.heimlichinstitute.org/.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Louise Woodward Innocent? New Research Raises Reasonable Doubt

Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS) is a medical theory that explains a form of child abuse when an infant is shaken violently by their caretaker, creating a whip-lash motion that results in severe brain injury, lifelong disability or death.

The concept of SBS was described in the early 1970's by a neurosurgeon, Dr. Guthkelch. His medical theory has sent dozens of women to jail and was used in the trial of the now infamous au pair, Louise Woodward. She was prosecuted and found guilty of manslaughter for shaking an infant in her care while she was an au pair for Cultural Care.

New scientific research published in the Paediatric Development Pathology Journal (United Kingdom, 2009) sheds new light on SBS. Recent scientific findings may lend evidence to exonerate jailed "abusers" (who continue to protest their innocence) and could have a dramatic effect on future SBS and child abuse trials.

Two British pathologists have found that a combination of injuries used to diagnose SBS abuse, known as the "triad" (swelling, bleeding and oxygen deprivation to the brain), can happen naturally.

Dr Irene Scheimberg (London's Bart's Hospital) and Dr Marta Cohen (Sheffield Children's Hospital) found that bleeding, swelling and oxygen deprivation to the brain can occur without violent shaking. The study found that the symptoms of Shaken Baby Syndrome can happen in babies even before they are taken home from hospital.

Dr. Scheimberg warns that when there "is no evidence of physical abuse (apart from the triad of SBS sypmtoms) we may be sending to jail parents who lost their children through no fault of their own." The doctor went on to state, "As scientists it is our duty to be cautious when we see the triad and to take each case on its merits. We owe it to children and their families."

The doctors looked at 25 babies who had died shortly before delivery and 30 newborns who had brain hemorrhages and found similar damage to the brains of all the babies. The study concluded that the symptoms are common in infants and could be caused by a traumatic birth or other conditions.

There were two groups of children who presented with symptoms similar to SBS - one group had bleeding in the brain caused by normal vaginal delivery and went on to lead normal lives and the other group who also presented with sign of SBS at birth, but did not get well, and whose bleeding continued and actually got worse.

Dr. Scheimberg said, "These are the children who the courts suspect have been harmed by their parents (or caregivers)."

The evidence of their study could now be used in a number of appeals in cases where caregivers or parents were prosecuted and jailed for killing infants by shaking them (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews).

The "triad" of symptoms known as Shaken Baby Syndrome was used by the prosecution in the 1998 U.S. trial of British au pair Louise Woodward, who was found guilty of the second-degree murder of eight-month-old Matthew Eappen in October 1997. She was sentenced to a minimum of 15 years to life in prison but the judge overruled that decision and reduced her conviction to involuntary manslaughter. Her sentence was then reduced to time served (279 days) and she was released as a free woman.

In 2007, Dr Patrick Barnes, the prosecution's star medical witness, reversed his medical opinion that convicted Woodward: he concluded that death (of Matthew Eappen) could have been caused by an old injury, as argued by the defense. In a scientific paper he states: "The science we have today could, in fact, have exonerated Louise. There is certainly, in retrospect, reasonable doubt."

There are about 200 cases of Shaken Baby Syndrome diagnosed in Britain every year and an estimated 1,200 to 1,400 cases diagnosed every year in the United States (data from the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome). Many of the childcare givers and mothers who are accused in these cases protest their innocence and deny they did anything harmful to the babies left in their care.

A U.S. physician, Harold E Buttram, notes that many cases of brain hemorrhages are dependent on the strength of the smallest blood vessels at birth, which can be affected by different conditions. He also warns, "Among the many adversities and difficulties facing the American family today, there is a relatively new and growing hazard in which a parent or caretaker may be falsely accused of murdering or injuring an infant by the shaken baby syndrome, when the true cause of death or injury arises from other sources. Very tragically, child abuse does occur and deserves appropriate punishment. However, it is equally tragic when a family, already grieving from the death of their infant, finds a father or mother unjustly accused, convicted, and imprisoned for murder of the infant, a murder of which he or she is innocent."

He explains, "In fact, an infant can die with extensive retinal hemorrhages, a blood clot under the capsule of the brain, extensive bruises, broken bones and sores that will not heal, due to Barlow's disease, without having been subjected to anything but the tenderest of loving care." (Shaken Baby Syndrome - A Medical Dictionary, Bibliography, and Annotated Research Guide to Internet References, Icon Health Publications).

Is it possible that Louise Woodward was innocent of the charges that she abused the baby left in her care that led to his death?

This new study confirms what Dr. Buttram and the medical expert in Woodward's case observed a few years ago - that there can be other explanations for bleeding, swelling and loss of oxygen to a baby's brain other than shaking it!

What do you think? Do you feel Woodward did abuse the baby? The autopsy showed old bruises on his arm. Was there evidence then of physical abuse? If so, by whom?

Let us know what you think about this issue!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Celebrities and Au Pairs

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin welcomed son Charlie Axel Woods on Sunday, Feb. 8. Woods and his wife Elin, a former Swedish model, met in 2001. They were introduced during The Open Championship in 2001 by Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik, who had employed her as an au pair. Woods is currently the world’s #1 golfer and is considered the best in golf history. Charlie joins big sister Sam Alexis, who is 19-months old.

A select few au pair programs service celebrities and their families but are very hush-hush about their rich and famous host parents. However, according to an inside source from one of the better known au pair agencies in the industry, a very famous (or should we say, infamous) couple have used their services for the past 9 years. Want to know who the couple is and what agency they use – and about the couple’s sexy French au pair who kisses and tells?

Au Pair in America has been the agency of choice for Woody Allen and his wife of 11 years, Soon-Yi. For the past 9 years Mr. and Mrs. Allen has hired au pairs to help care for their two adopted daughters, Bechet and Manzie. The Allens demand French au pairs only and they require the au pairs to speak French with their children.

Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Farrow Previn were in the headlines in 1992 for their unseemly relationship when Mia Farrow, mother of Soon-Yi and Woody Allen’s girlfriend of 12 years, found nude pictures of Soon-Yi taken by Woody Allen in his NYC apartment. Even though Woody Allen was not related to Soon-Yi, many felt he served as a stepfather to Soon-Yi, and there was a public outcry and media scrutiny around their romance and sexual relationship. There was a 35-year age difference between Woody Allen and Soon-Yi at the time of the incident.

Despite the controversy, Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn were married in 1997 and they later adopted two girls, whom they named after famous jazz musicians, Sidney Bechet and Manzie Johnson. Mr. and Mrs. Allen contracted with Au Pair in Americafor French au pairs exclusively to take care of their children and to travel with them when the family went abroad on their numerous vacations, including the south of France.

In 2006, one of Woody Allen’s French au pairs made headlines after a sexual encounter with Colin Farrell where she recounted the lovemaking skills of the famous actor. According to Hollywood.com news, the beautiful French au pair, 24-year-old Angelique Jerome met and slept with Farrell and then kissed and told! She claimed Farrell was no “bad boy” and slammed his lovemaking as “overrated.” See her full story at:
"http://www.hollywood.com/news/Allens_Au_Pair_Slams_Farrells_Lovemaking/3540413"

Monday, February 9, 2009

Ms. Jordan's Rebuttal to Agency Cover Up at Cultural Care

We just posted our interview with Natalie Jordan, senior vice president of Cultural Care, the leading au pair agency in the industry on our website: http://www.aupairclearinghouse.com/.
Ms. Jordan was nice enough to take time from her busy schedule to speak to me and you can read the her entire rebuttal interview at our site under Current News.

One news item that Ms. Jordan did share with me is that Cultural Care has decided, due to the economy, they will not be raising host family fees for the year 2009.

This is great news for host families who are struggling to find quality and cost-effective childcare during these challenging economic times.

Please feel free to send in your comments to this blog - we would love to hear from you.